When Men & Women Talk: Finding Common Ground

What interests you about communication between men and women?

This subject holds my fascination for 20 years.  I can say, I'm more curious today about male/female dynamics than I was when I began my unwitting exploration.

You see, I took a seminar about Entrepreneurship. It turned out to be much more, including men and women and ways we prevent each other from financial and professional success (and how to stop that!)  I learned about healing deep, unconscious grudges and that healing has guided my life and work.

Now, every day, while gathering on-the-job training (I’m mothering an 18-year-old man), I have grown to appreciate and honor masculine gifts as well as those of my female gender.

What’s important in building a business team is recognizing each person's strengths. The quality called “Drive” is a considered masculine, yet women have drive too.   Similarly, “listening” is a feminine skill men have developed, recognizing its usefulness in fostering relationships.

When we talk about team, we are talking about three things:

• the players themselves as individuals
• the ways the players relate with each other (the quality of the relationships they build)
• the functioning of your team as a whole.

I find looking at individuals doesn’t give quality data. Often it leads to non-productive comparisons about right and wrong.  Let’s skip a level up, to how the players relate with one another. This is where awareness of masculine/feminine differences can make or break the quality of relationships and their overall synergy.

Imagine a male sales manager, focused on the bottom line (Picture Dragnet’s Sgt. Joe Friday: “Just the facts, ma’am.”) and his saleswoman, submitting reports with details like family photos on her prospect's desk.  What happens here? 

Likely impatience or irritation develops between salesperson and manager.  Similarly, a wife at day’s end wants to “ talk about her day”, while hubby immediately synthesizes her story into a problem to solve.  He gets to work doing just that--much to the irritation of his wife.

This is not to say men and women cannot get along, and splendidly. It helps when we understand and respect one another’s reasons for, and methods of, communicating.

Men communicate to solve a problem, assess status, move the action forward and get data to forward the action.  In other words, men communicate to get results. Masculine communication is goal-oriented and expects an outcome.

Women, to contrast, communicate to nurture and be nurtured, to bond, get attention and decompress. Feminine communication is process-oriented, for its own sake. Communicating IS the outcome!

How can we use this simple understanding of masculine and feminine natures to improve our quality of life at work and peace of mind at home?

Ladies, get to the point with men.   

Keep girlfriend conversation for your girlfriends.  Find ways to bond that you both enjoy:  activities, shared interests or professional matters. Tell brief (2 or 3 sentence) stories that have a point.  For example, “…and then my daughter scored the winning goal that took the team to the championship!” Get to the point and show them the result. They will appreciate it!

Men, understand that bonding is important to women.

If you don’t ask about her children, she may perceive you as cold or uncaring. Make an effort to ask appropriately personal questions that show her you are interested in her as a person, not only a means of production. Remember, women appreciate the communication process itself!

When men and women communicate so to satisfy the feminine need for relating (rather than transacting), and the masculine need for brevity, cooperation increases.  Team results skyrocket!

This is simple, not easy. After all, mostly we are most comfortable doing things the way we do them already.  Keep in mind, if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting.   

Here's a challenge:   Use these simple methods of relating, applying awareness of gender differences to your communications. Try it for a week.

Results may be subtle. After all, the winning horse in the Kentucky Derby wins by only a “nose” (even if a horse’s nose is long, that’s still a small measurement for a BIG difference in prize money).

Let me know how the quality of your relationships improves at work and home. Over time you may see a professional synergy in which results happen effortlessly. That’s high-performance teamwork!